Whole-Body Integration

Parenting for Happiness Rather Than Success

Pop quiz: You are about to be born. Who do you want for a mother, the woman whose mothering style has the aspiration of Raising Happiness or the woman who marches to Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother?

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is Amy Chua's book about parenting, which was excerpted in the Wall Street Journal to much ado on the internet, including my furious response. Raising Happiness is a book by Christine Carter Ph.D., who gives an articulate rebuttal to Amy Chua's ideas here.  Chua advocates a demanding form of parenting – expecting perfect grades, allowing no playdates, insisting the child master violin or piano, etc. – that she believes is the key to the child's future success. As I noted in my post, Chua is a "success" in the world – a law professor at an Ivy League school – but has no credentials in psychology, child development, or parenting. In contrast, Carter is a sociologist and parent educator, and her article shows a broader understanding of what constitutes "success" than mere outward achievement. Refreshingly, Carter speaks to happiness as the key component of success, noting that "three decades of research clearly suggests that such a narrow focus on achievement can produce wildly unhappy people." Validating what I mentioned in my post, where I commented on research presented in the book A General Theory of Love, Carter also articulates that "social connections are the foundation for happiness, health, and success in life." 

Carter's book Raising Happiness is about "the science of raising happy kids," and part of her mission is to help parents be happier. On her blog, she has a pledge you can sign: "I understand that improving my own happiness is a way to make the world a better place. Over the next nine months, I will take steps to increase my happiness." I like this. While happiness is not something you can make happen in your life, we all know things that make us happy and we can create time to do those things and cherish those moments. Paradoxically, many of the things that make us happy can often be traced back to the qualities and things we most loved as children – another reason that it's important for kids to have fun and play. 

For many of my clients, creating and enjoying freedom and movement in their bodies makes them happy –whether it's through yoga classes or exercise or bodywork. One of my Seattle clients, who did the 10-session Rolfing® series a couple of years ago, was in for a tune-up in November. We were talking about the upcoming Christmas holidays, and what she and her family would do, and she decided on the spot that what she wanted for Christmas was to gift herself an Advanced Rolfing Series. For her, the quality of life she experiences getting in touch with her body brings happiness, more than the various things she could buy. 

I encourage you to find what it is that makes you happy, to enjoy it, and to make happiness contagious in your families and in the world.

 

Save Us from Dominating Mothers and Bless Us with Neuroscientists – Comments on Amy Chua's Wall Street Journal Article "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior"

An article called "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" appeared in the Wall Street Journal and is getting attention in the blogosphere. The author, Yale Law School professor Amy Chua, contends that stereotypical "Chinese mothers" who force their children to excel academically are the best mothers. Frankly, I feel like a victim of child abuse / neglect just from reading this article.

Chua shares about how she raises her daughters who were "never allowed to:

• attend a sleepover, 
• have a playdate, 
• be in a school play, 
• complain about not being in a school play 
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano."

She writes "Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences." It seems that the methodology is to break your child's will, and insult them if necessary. In Chua's mind, that's okay, because the result is a child who excels in school and music. The example she gives "in favor of coercion" discusses relentlessly drilling her 7-year old daughter for a piano recital, threatening to give away her toys, and calling her "lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic." (When her husband suggested that this was "insulting" the girl, Chua's response was that she wasn't insulting her but "motivating her.") She won't let her leave the paino to go to the bathroom, she loses her voice yelling at her daughter, and "still there seemed to be only negative progress." (Somehow I'm not surprised.) Then suddenly her daughter can do it (angelic intervention?), followed by hugs, etc., and a perfect recital. For Chua, the results justify the means.

Yes, the little girl learned the piano piece. She also learned a pattern of relating that is based on coercion, degradation, love as a reward for compliance, and a compulsion to succeed. This groove is being dug deeper and deeper into her brain with each similar interaction. It is how she will raise her own children, and it will stymie all of her relationship so that love becomes equated with performance goals. She will have the tendency to find relationships that mimic this, where she is either the rejecting coercer or the rejected coerced. She will equate love with performing properly.

How Neuroscience Shows Us That This Form of Parenting Is Not "Superior"

Chua states that she learned her parenting model from her parents. She doesn't question it or look further because she values the results. She is completely blind to the emotional side of the equation. I am not a psychologist, but over the past few years I have been reading and studying extensively on the subjects of child development and psychology. I have also experienced therapy and am engaged in a spiritual path where my colleagues and I work with material from our early childhoods, and it is clear from our work that episodes like these leave devastating imprints on the psyche. Everything I read by experts in child and developmental psychology is counter to what Chua writes. While Chua is a law professor, she has absolutely no credentials in anything to do with child psychology or child development or education. Her only credential is the biological achievement of having borne a child. In the human species, bearing a child does not automatically make one a good parent.

Most recently in my studies I read the book A General Theory of Love – which should be required reading for every human being, and particularly all parents. Written by three psychiatrists, it is an easy-to-read, poetic and passionate rant about how the human race has strayed so far from understanding what we need as human beings to feel happy, loved and valuable, and to be able to relate in healthy ways. Our emotional needs are hard-wired in our limbic systems. As infants/children we need love and holding. We need parents who love us unconditionally and will spend one-on-one time with us. We need reflection from and dialogue with our parents. We need time to cultivate relationships as much as we need time spent drilling math exercises or practing violin. There is research behind this, from both animal and human studies.

Children who are driven to become performing automatons may excel academically, may play piano perfectly, but will they be able to have authentic, valuable, successful, dynamic relationships with their peers, with future romantic partners, with their own children? Will they be happy? Will they know who they are uniquely as individuals, their own preciousness?

One commentator on the Huffington Post, raised by Chinese parents under similar methodology, writes as an adult: "I was good at my job. But I had chronic hives. I couldn't sleep, and when I did I would wake up with fingernail imprints in the palms of my clenched hands. I couldn't get pregnant. I was 30, a success, but felt a failure." 

There's much we as humans can learn about optimal parenting – as evidenced by all the unhappiness, malaise, and delinquency we see in young people and in ourselves. I sincerely hope that no parent takes Chua's advice to heart. There are compassionate and loving models out there that will guide us better and are substantiated by our increasing understanding of the human mind and soul.

Seattle Has a Superhero

Check this out: Seattle has a posse of guys who dress as superheros to stop crime! From reading an article about Phoenix Jones, apparently he and his team all have either military or mixed martial arts backgrounds - that shows in his build, particularly those crazy quads. He seems to have fairly good mobility for being encased in rubber, although I'd say his body is somewhat on the tight side, probably particularly in the IT bands and quads, also through the quadratus lumborum as you see him sidebend quite a bit in his walk. I think his current uniform is a big improvement from the earlier one seen here.

I'd like to try a session on a superhero, so if anyone knows this guy, have him call me! I think Rolfing® Structural Integration could help him move a bit more smoothly, aiding his vigilante activities!

Rolfing® Series Timing and Life Cycles

Yesterday I posted about calculating one's personal year using numerology, something I do every new year. This got me thinking about other timing cycles based on astrology, where key planetary aspects relate to rites of passage. It's interesting to note that sometimes clients doing the 10-session Rolfing® series – a big structural overhaul for the body – are in their Saturn return, Uranus opposition, or Chiron return. This makes sense, as I'll explain below. Knowing this timing can give me a sense of some of the other forces moving through their lives, besides whatever body issues they come in with.

Saturn Return (28-30, 57-59, 86-88)

Saturn orbits the sun in 28-29 years, so it "returns" to its place in your own birth chart every 28-29 years. Because the planet Saturn governs structure, each Saturn return is a time of reexamining the structure in one's life and determining whether it still fits and making readjustments to one's trajectory.

The first Saturn return at age 28-30 is often tumultuous. Up until this point, your life has often been structured by others – your parents, society, the school system, etc. In a sense it's the time of coming into true adulthood when the individual decides what old structures didn't work and what new ones s/he wants to put in place. So we can find people quitting jobs, changing direction, divorcing – if those things were "wrong" for them – or instead getting married, starting businesses, going back to school to build structure. I can't count how many Rolfing clients I've had who are choosing to do a series at this point in their lives, it's quite common. They are usually bursting with energy and trying to feel out their next step in life and wanting to get their bodies and energies in alignment with that. 

The second Saturn return at around age 57-59 is more about moving into wisdom and spirit. In the first 28-30 years you did life the way society wanted. In the second time around, you did it your way. Now, at the threshold of the senior years, many individuals begin to wonder again about the deeper meaning of life. They've had careers, raised families, done alot of externals, so they may ask more about what's inside, or about what they can contribute in a bigger sense. In traditional India, this is the time that one would delve deeply into the spiritual, having fulfilled their obligations in the world. In our culture, it could be the time one seeks in one's profession to become more the mentor to others, to share what one has learned. The Chiron return (below) and this second Saturn return often lead clients to Rolfing sessions as they begin to look inward and become more interested in their bodies not as tools of action but as sensate fields of beingness that crave awakening along with a general inner awakening.

A third Saturn return would occur around age 86-88 for those who make it that far – rare in the past but increasingly common in the our times. It may be a time of transition and looking toward the next stage – death – whether examined consciously or reluctantly because of illness, or it may be a time of deep reflection on one's life as a whole. I have had a few Rolfing clients in this age group. They have sometimes been people who are fighting age and pain with difficulty, and sometimes elders who still have optimism and enthusiasm for life and are looking for ways to keep mobile to keep enjoying life.

Chiron Return

The Chiron return is another event, at about age 50, that signals a turn inward, toward wisdom and maturity. You can read about it here, where the author says that it "delineates the end of the heroic youth, as we enter the realm of 'elder.'" This transition is easier for those who have had an inward or spiritual orientation already in life (who have "done their work" on themselves), harder for those who have sought their identity in the externals (looks, status, income...). Sometimes bodywork at this life stage can help give a person ground for this turning, as well as ease some of the accumulated aches and pains and restrictions from their life out in the world.

Uranus Opposition

The Uranus opposition occurs at around age 42 and correlates to what we commonly term the "midlife crisis." While Saturn builds structure, the planet Uranus is about awakening, freeing oneself from constraints, and opening to dynamic energy. At age 42, Uranus has moved halfway around your birthchart and is opposite to where it was at your birth, bringing with it a torrent of energy. Remember the lyrics to the Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime"?:

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
You may find yourself in another part of the world
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here? 

 This is the wake-up call when suddenly you see your life afresh and ask yourself, "well, how did I get here – and what am I going to do about it?" Barbara Hand Clow, in her uniquely titled astrology book "Liquid Light of Sex: Kundalini, Astrology, and the Key Life Transitions", believes the kundalini energy of the body may spontaneously awaken at this time and try to move up the spine through the various chakras. Wherever you have a block, that's where your "midlife crisis" issues will manifest; in her view, this is commonly around the heart chakra for men (therefore the red sports car, jettisoning the wife, and falling freshly in love) and the throat chakra for women (issues of creative expression, "being heard" in ones life). This is another great time to get a Rolfing series as it can help free the body from the sense of restriction many people have from tight fascial wrapping, allowing more vitality and energy flow. 

In Conclusion

There's no one "right" time to get a Rolfing series – except when you feel compelled by life to work with what presents through your body. What is interesting to me is how often that coincides with one of these life cycles, and how often these life cycles unfold as stated, which says to me that there's something here for even the skeptic to consider.

I'm not an astrologer, but for anyone wishing to delve deeper, I recommend Frederick Woodruff and Shakti Carola Navran. Check out their websites and blogs and see who's a fit for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Life Cycles and Calculating Your Personal Year

It's a new year, which brings a new energy. Already the phone is ringing with some new clients wanting to get Rolfing® sessions - must be New Year's resolutions or the return of the light in Seattle as our days start to get a little longer. Or maybe alot of them are entering a numerological "personal year" that motivates their attention toward the body.

When I was in my 20s I was very interested in astrology, tarot, and numerology. Now my spiritual interests have taken a different direction, but I still give note to certain timing cycles. Yesterday I posted about an astrologer friend's outlook for 2011. Here I'll say a bit about personal life cycles from numerology and what I might correlate to the motivation to get Rolfing sessions or other bodywork, and tomorrow I'll write about life cycles in astrology. 

Numerology is fairly simple. There are things you can learn from your name, and also from your birthdate. Adding up the month, day, and year you were born gives you your "birth path" number. Then each year you add up the month and day of your birthday with the number of the current year, and tht gives you your current "personal year" according to numerology. This is a nine year cycle, starting with 1, going through 9, then back to one.

Here's how you calculate it. Say you were born today, January 7, in 1970. That would be

1 + 7 + 1 + 9 + 7 + 0 = 25, which you reduce to a single digit as 2 + 5 = 7.

The birth path is indicative of one's career or life path with seven being someone who is spiritual, inward, a thinker.

To calculate that person's personal year for 2011, we substitute the current year for the birth year and do the math:

1 + 7 + 2 + 0 + 1 + 1 = 12, which you reduce to a single digit as 1 + 2 = 3.

A 3 personal year is said to be an outgoing year of social activity, expansion, play, creativity.

The years I pay the most attention to are the ending years of a cycle (8, 9) to consider what is outmoded in my life, and the early ones in a new cycle (1-4) as that is when you are building the base for what you want to accomplish.

I'm more conscious of correlation between clients getting Rolfing sessions and the larger astrological cycles (which will be in my post tomorrow) because I can determine that just from someone's age, but I imagine there are relationships with numerology too, nuances that may alter the focus of why the person seeks my services. For example, someone getting bodywork in a 1 year may be looking to support a new start, while someone getting work in a 9 year may be trying to end old troublesome patterns. 

I'm in a 3 year in 2011, and this is proving to be kind of fun (fitting the theme of play and social activity), trotting out and sharing something that was a very creative endeavor for me in my 20s. I don't have a numerologist to recommend, but you can find alot of do-it-yourself info on the web. Tomorrow I'll share my recommendations for astrologers.

An Astrologer's View of 2011

Happy New Year everyone!

Here's what my astrologer friend Frederick Woodruff has to say about 2011. It might make you want to fasten your seatbelts, but his advice is to jump.

This is the macrocosmic view; in a few posts in the days ahead I'll make some comments on personal life cycles and what I notice in my Rolfing clientele going through these cycles.